Raise with Praise

Praise cost nothing yet its value is priceless. Everyone feels good when they can embrace their potential. Criticism doesn't always feel great. I say take the problem out of problem/solving. Essentially we have about 2 minutes of attention span with our kids and spending 1.5 minutes telling them what they've done wrong only gives us a half a minute to legitimately solve the issues at hand. What I've learned over the years is that people in general strive harder with positives and every negative can be turned around. Our brains pick up language that compels us to act on the words. For example if I told you right now to not think about how much money you paid to the IRS, what would you be thinking?  Therefore, when you tell someone, "Don't run!" the brain hears "Run!!!!" That's why kids do exactly what we tell them not to do. Start telling them what we want. Shift some of the following:

Don't throw the sand...play with the sand (that's what we want, right?)
Don't hurt the cat...be gentle with the cat (that's what we desire)
Stop yelling...use a quiet voice (that's what we need)

Every don't can be turned into a do. It just takes some reframing with time and attention. This works with your partner and friends as well. Tell them what they are doing right and they'll strive for better.

Failed to Death Commentary, Part I: Caseworker Burnout

Last year Channel 9 News, in conjunction with the Denver Post, presented a series of news stories called “Failed to Death” that brought to light the system’s inability to protect children from abuse and neglect. I was so relieved at the news teams' courage for speaking up for the sake of the children. This blog series pays homage to those reporters who were brave enough to speak out against a system that is failing these kids to death.

Recently, I spoke at a conference where the topic addressed resiliency in victims of abuse. What I have witnessed over the years is that families will thrive when you incorporate the five protective factors: nurturing and attachment, knowledge of parenting and of child and youth development, parental resiliency, social connection, and concrete support for parents. Most parents don’t start out wanting to hurt their children but many have grown up in abuse themselves and have never had healthy habits role modeled to them. I have taught a court ordered parenting class for almost fifteen years and I can count on one hand the parents that didn’t care and had no business raising children—all of the others did. What does that tell us about how we are approaching this critical issue? Maybe—just maybe—we need to repackage our services to families and start looking at treatment as healthy and right for them rather than viewing the help as a punishment. They don’t know what they don’t know…until we educate them. How many times have we heard that knowledge is power?

For years, I have proposed that we order the entire family to treatment when Child Protective Services becomes involved or when children witness family violence, as family systems are much like ecosystems…when you change one part of the environment by ordering only one parent to treatment the entire unit becomes imbalanced—and it doesn't work! There are many other advantages to mandating the entire family to treatment besides the obvious—good mental health. This series will share how we can reduce caseworker burnout, save time and money in the court system, take the guesswork out of mandatory arrests for the police officers and redirect child abuse convictions through education—all while achieving the goals to build healthier families.

Today, we will address caseworker burnout and the negative impact their decisions can have on the family system. The emotional tolls experienced by workers who have to cope with extreme exposure to child abuse is horrendous and could significantly traumatize these professionals subjected to such atrocities. It’s no wonder the caseworker burnout rate is between 1-5 years. Therefore, when families get caseworkers that have been serving in their positions for 15-20 years, goals of customer service and family reunification might be low priority or even nonexistent.

At a conference, a caseworker supervisor indicated to me that 35 positions had become available and that the department had to hire and train new personnel to fill the vacancies. When I challenged why the money was being allocated for new caseworkers rather than revitalizing the ones already in place the supervisor frustratingly retorted, “That's a great question.” What I sensed from the conversation was that caseworker development is much like puppy mills where we produce an over abundance of professionals, place them in extremely untenable and harsh conditions, mistreat them and then release them—permanently tainting these fundamentally caring individuals. I have seen these highly educated and motivated people quit and work as bartenders and bus drivers. They enter this field because they have a passion for kids and then the system breaks their spirit. My recommendation is that instead of taking the dwindling dollars to unnecessarily train new personnel, use the resources to protect our most precious commodities—the children and the superheroes who save them. We could create team-building programs, respite retreats, better collaborations and staff appreciation days. Burnout impacts these professionals’ ability to objectively advocate for their clients, which doesn't bode well for the families. In fact, children are needlessly being ripped away from their families and our system is creating deeper levels of trauma—that we have to pay for later when the children grow up. I repeatedly hear from parents that their caseworkers have threatened to take kids away unless they leave their partners. Others have been advised that caseworkers had found a “more suitable” home for their kids. This…is…not…the…goal. The objective is to keep families together. When most caseworkers trained for this field, I’m confident that they wanted to help families, but the inevitable exhaustion and trauma they experience causes significant problems. When I address these solutions in a professional training, the caseworkers wholeheartedly agree that they love their job, but they are tired. This is a solvable issue if we envelop and nurture the invaluable resources that we already have available to us.

In Part II of this series, we will discuss the child-abuse-conviction approach and how it often causes more harm than good. We will provide alternative solutions that could work.

Children: Who Do They Think They Are?

Children are conditioned to do as they’re told, to not talk back, to respect their elders and to know that adults are always right. Consequently, children are forced to embrace external input and feel bad or good based on the whims of others. As we mature into adults, we often carry many of these generated inputs with us into our daily lives. These thoughts and feelings are our conditioned responses to that indoctrination and, whether they are negative or positive, kids act accordingly. Therefore, if you had an uncle who called you lazy, you may be lethargic or unmotivated when you are exposed to him at Thanksgiving. But then a neighbor who often praised your hard work tells you that you’re wonderful, you will shine in her presence. This reaction is typically referred to as object referral and occurs when a person’s self-esteem and self-worth shift, change, decline or elevate as a result of an external source entering the room. This makes the esteem and worth malleable and unsteady. With clients I will tap on a table and ask them to identify the object and they’ll state matter-of-factly that the object is a table. I ask them why and they say because that is what they understand the object to be. Then a debate proves that no matter who walks into the room a table is a table is a table. It’s value or representation doesn’t change.

Self-esteem and self-worth need to have the same reference points. We need to allow children to decide what the facts are about them. This means we have to provide them with an internal source that doesn’t require external input. Instead of stating that we are proud of them, we need to say, “You must be so proud of yourself for…” or “You should feel so good about yourself because…” The translation for them becomes, “I must be proud of myself and should feel good about who I am.” And although initially we are providing external suggestions, the intended message can be compared to passing the torch during the Olympics. We have to allow our children to shine on their own without us. This can only be accomplished by giving them the ability to know the truth about them. Therefore, we must teach children to back every thought and feeling up with facts so that when someone negative walks into their lives, the impact is minimal.

I recently spoke to an 86-year old woman who I have always revered as an angel. She lamented that she was a bad person and I asked her to back that thought up with a fact and she absolutely could not find one reason for that thought. It saddened me to see that throughout her entire life she had given to people and loved them yet she hated herself. And for what? Because perhaps sometime in her childhood or maybe later as an adult, someone told her she was inadequate, inferior or incompetent. When I shared how much I loved and admired her, she admitted that when I was around she felt good about herself. The sad part is that I can’t always be there so if her sense of regard is based on me then her feelings will change once someone else walked into the room—this is object referral. Her sense of self never gets to be solid like that table because she adopts the opinions of those around her instead of knowing her own self-truth.

A parent once shared that he was frustrated with a neighbor because the neighbor would scream the F-word at his 6-year old daughter when she was outside playing. I suggested that he tell her that hurt people hurt people and that the neighbor was a sad old man. Later, the father came to me and reported that he and his daughter were walking down the street and the elderly man raced out onto the porch and threw out the F-bomb again, but this time his daughter with the sweetest sincerity announced loudly, “Daddy, you’re right, he is a sad old man.” The grump stopped in his tracks and then retreated back into his home where he never bothered them again. The poignant element to this story is that this father gave his daughter the ability to let others own their own feelings and behaviors. She was no longer forced to embrace the external input and take responsibility for how others feel. She was able to recognize that his pain was not her issue or fault. This child, if guided properly, will not have to experience object referral as she is not dependent on the opinions of others to judge herself. This precious child is a precious child is a precious child.

Moving from Survivor to Thriver

I was given the most amazing honor to publish this letter from a woman who has moved beyond violence and is learning to live again. She identified herself as a survivor, but after more careful examination I would elevate her to a “thriver” as her words show just how strong her constitution is and, in my humble opinion, she is on her way to greatness. To thrive means to grow vigorously and healthily and to be successful. This compelling letter touched me and is truly representative of those who no longer want to identify with being victims. At the end of her message I will add a commentary to assist others who desire to move beyond their past.

Survivor – one who lives through affliction?

Survivor – one who survives in spite of adversity

To survive is to – remain alive or in existence. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; and to persevere; to live and persist; to cope with trauma and remain alive in existence; to continue to function and withstand.

I, Andrea, am a survivor. I have the ability to withstand the abuse.

I withstood your abuse. I withstood your abuse even after fleeing from you physically.

I conquered (to gain mastery over or win by overcoming obstacles or opposition, to overcome by mental or moral power) my fear – YOU. I prevailed over your abuse.

I reached the top of the mountain and overcame the rough rocky journey. I prevailed through all the cuts, bruises, falling down, and sexual, physical and mental pain.

I prevailed over years of abuse and continued abuse through the courts, your words and actions.

I have strength (the quality or state of being strong – capacity for exertion or endurance).

I have a strong attribute – the ability to withstand. I have the capacity to endure much. I resisted attack – beat down after beat down – I resisted the death!! I resisted the death of my soul and spirit. I resisted the death of myself – only to live again but now with much more faith and love and beauty and strength.

I have great physical strength – I have great physical power to endure beat down after beat down – kick after kick, slap after slap, bruise after bruise, batter after batter – I am still standing – all physically in one piece I had the physical power to endure all that and more and not strike back.

I am tenacious – I have showed the power to resist and endure stress, pain and mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, sexual and physical abuse.

I have a strong determination of spirit to make a better life for my kids than living in fear and walking on egg shells, being controlled by guilt and fear. Being told I never did anything right; to have or feel any kind of love was conditional on whether I was doing things HIS way and HIS way only. I have the strong determination of spirit for my kids to be happy and healthy. To be loved unconditionally and to feel secure in whom they are and what they do. To feel secure enough to speak their mind and have their own feelings and not live each minute because of guilt or fear. I have the strong determination of spirit to stop the cycle of domestic violence and addiction. I have set a higher standard of self-worth for my children and to strive for and know the best.

I am resilient to all the attacks and beat downs you may aim at me and have aimed at me. I am a strong, resilient, intelligent, capable, loving, lovable, outgoing, fearless-of-you woman. I can and have endured many nightmares, many blows to my head, heart and spirit! But look at me – I am still standing strong and even stronger than before. My kids are beautiful, my life is beautiful and the joy radiates from their hearts because I, Andrea, AM A SURVIVOR. This is what I have given myself and my kids: the tenacity to endure when the mountain gets too steep and keep on climbing because after all the hard work, sweat, heartache and tears – I have overcome, I have reached to top of the mountain and the air is clean, the sun is shining ever so beautiful and I am FREE – I AM FREE. My heart is open and I can breath – I can feel and I can smile – I am FREE I am FREE. I have endured! I have with stood and I have overcome….I am a strong survivor.

Andrea, your words strongly resonated with me and I’m sure they will with others who have traveled on similar paths. The picture you paint demonstrates the journey you have taken. As I felt your words, I could visualize the peak of the mountain and could see you taking another trail down on the other side. Taking this new route makes it possible for you to recognize new unfamiliar beauty that has not been seen before. Each scenic view is exciting and fresh but most importantly the breathtaking views have no reminders of your past. Thrivers truly have moved forward when they stop letting abusers rent space in their heads. Thrivers really have left the relationship—not just physically but emotionally as well. They no longer replay the horrific snippets of their history but rather they chose to move forward and strong. Thrivers hit the delete button and only allow positive thoughts to consume them. They have stopped asking why they were abused because there is no why. Andrea, you have survived and I believe you are also thriving on many days. An old Chinese proverb suggests that a journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. You are well on your way. Thank you for your strength and inspiration!

Part II: “A child is apt to make a good thing better rather than making a bad thing good.” - Unknown

Following up on yesterday's post, another example of ineffective parenting that holds true for humiliating children is embarrassing or chastising them for being wrong or losing. Again, my hope is that this is not a malicious attempt to destroy kids’ self-worth, but rather a thoughtless behavior that has been deemed an acceptable form of correction that has not been challenged for it’s validity. We go with what we know and we are often overwhelmed. So whether it’s because we feel worn down, depleted or defeated, persistently pointing out our children’s mistakes conditions them to avoid self-improvement because of the emotional consequences of being wrong or of losing. Think about it…do you know any adults who refuse to apologize or admit when they are wrong? My guess is that they were forced through embarrassment as children to recognize their flaws and the emotional outcome for them was that they were bad.

Naturally, we want our children to say they are sorry because apologies go a long way to healing hurt hearts. What’s the answer then? Tackling the problem through a technique called re-recording often works well. This is where we tell kids what we want them to be and over time they will be conditioned to comply. Here is a wonderful way to reframe a situation using re-recording where an apology would be nice, “Oh, I bet you’re sorry you hurt your little sister. You’re such a great big brother. I’m sure it was an accident. Sweetie can you give your sister a kiss? It might make everyone feel better.” More times than not our children would want to do the right thing and when they do and we reinforce the positive behavior with a hug or kiss, our kids will repeat the behavior. I tell people all the time that I know they love their kids, but I challenge them to ask whether they like their kids. Meaning: do we talk and respond to them as though we like them or do we bark out, “Shut up! Get out of here right now! Get away from me!”

Children need guidance from us and the best way to get desired results is to help them like themselves. People in general behave the way they feel. If they feel good, they are good. A great tip for helping kids avoid the win-lose concept is to promote “the winner” and “a winner.”

Years ago, my grandson struggled with losing so after each race where he won I would cheer, “I’m a winner!”

Initially, he argued, “No, I’m the winner!”

To which I responded, “You might be the winner but I am a winner!”

After about ten of these moments I forgot the drill and when he won I lamented, “Oh, I lost again.”

Here was the amazing piece…He said, “Nonni, remember you’re always a winner.” 

Part I: “A child is apt to make a good thing better rather than making a bad thing good.” - Unknown

As children, positive self-esteem is something gained through internalizing external praise. As we develop our own truths, we are able to create our own value. Les Brown once referred to this as, “to feel worthy by permission.” What this means is that we condition children to do as they are told, to not talk back, to respect their elders and to believe that adults are always, always right. The problem with this philosophy is that sometimes grown ups are not healthy or patient with children and their negative input can hurt kids. I want to share some ideas regarding healthy ways to assist you with building positive self-regard by pointing out effectiveness. Ask yourself three questions to determine whether you are being effective:

1. Does it feel good to you?
2. Does it feel good to your child?
3. Is it working?

For example, when children make mistakes do we forced them to apologize?

Towering over them with a pointed finger, “YOU SAY YOU’RE SORRY, RIGHT NOW!”

The kids will begrudgingly comply, “SORRRRRY!”

Did they mean it? Was the forced apology effective to changing negative feelings and behaviors? We all know the answer is of course not. So why do we insist on humiliating our children? Consider the internalized message embraced as our kids watch the other person gloating in their misery and humiliation. The overriding message delivered is, “You’re bad, you’re inadequate and you’re unworthy.” Nothing positive comes from a forced apology. Consequently, parents unwittingly condition their children to believe that saying sorry means they are insignificant and, I promise, in reality they will avoid being sorry at all costs. When we had our children did we consciously plot to degrade and crush their self-esteem? Not likely, but our actions suggest otherwise.

Raise With Praise: Motivating children through re-recording positive messages

Language is a key element when attempting to change how kids meet our expectations. Consequently, how we say things determines how children respond. Always remember that children are apt to make a good thing better rather than to make a bad thing good. Steering them in a positive direction through language gives them a clearer vision of what they need to do. We so often become reactive to our  children and attempt correction after bad behavior has occurred. With a communication style called  re-recording we can stop behavior mishaps before they even starts. Let us show you how!

Children sometimes talk to you with sharp admonishments like Shut up! Leave me alone! I hate you! What they are trying to convey is that they feel powerless and need to fight for their rights to express their feelings and, as cornered dogs (parents), our  knee-jerk reaction is to bite. Evaluate the differences in the below communication styles and decide if they could work for you .

- "Becky, don’t use THAT tone of voice with me GO TO YOUR ROOM!"
- "Becky, normally you don’t use that tone of voice with me so if you need me to listen, I’ll stop what I’m doing so you can feel good that I hear you."

- "Jeff you’re such a mean big brother. Stop bullying your brother."
- "Jeff usually you try really hard to be a great big brother.  This is so not you.  Is there something we can do to help you turn this around and be the person we both know you are?"

By saying to children that they don’t normally or usually behave a certain way, you are suggesting to them that they are not being their charming beautiful selves and then by acknowledging and validating the children’s feelings, they can talk and behave in a more positive manner. Some adults may view this as molly coddling but when you think about your own  motivations for doing the right thing, you might  see that you too respond better when people give you the benefit of the doubt. We can either build  children or repair adults. The key to successful and effective communication and behavior modification is to ask three questions:

-  Does what you’re doing feel good to the child?
-  Does it feel good to you?
-  Is it working?

If even one out of three doesn’t work, you’re  not  effective.  You  might win through submission, but  your children are not internalizing right from wrong. In fact, they have externalized the lesson by blaming you for being mean—causing a cognitive shift that teaches them to deflect responsibility for their behavior and not to own it themselves.