Perpetrating Parents, Part I: They’ll Make You Crazy

There comes a point when victims leave their abusers because they have finally recognized the significant and damaging impact the emotional and physical violence has had on their children. Often when victims are asked why they stay with their abusers, they say because of the kids. But when asked why they left their abusers, ironically, they admit for the same reason—because of the kids. Abusers controlled their families during the relationship but after the victims have fled with their kids, the batterers must find ways to forces the victims to return. This is when abusers exploit, recruit or threaten some type of harm toward the kids. The abusers’ escalating deviant behaviors becomes so outrageous that the average person cannot imagine the hell these victims face. Victims try to report the atrocities but they are minimized, ignored and even told they are crazy. The persistent negative reinforcement by society creates confusion for the victims and they start to believe that they are the problem.

In this series I will share stories of outrageous violent behavior in hopes that knowledge of perpetrator behavior may assist families trying to escape the madness. The first case involves an abusive mother who wanted her ex-husband to pay for “abandoning” her. She started threatening her children and telling them that their father would stop loving them like he stopped loving her. She didn’t like that her children were close to their stepmother so she inflicted high levels of guilt on them saying she carried them in her womb for 9-months, that she was their mother and that the kids owed her. She accused them of caring more about having fun than being loyal. After months and months of emotionally beating her children up, they decided it would be best to live with her so maybe she would stop being so angry and vengeful. She recruited her children to lie and make excuses for not wanting to visit their dad. She threatened to expose them for saying bad things about their stepmother stating that their father would hate them. Their fear of being completely abandoned by their dad dissuaded them from engaging with him and his new wife. The children were forced to suffer in silence.

She wanted to punish her victim financially, so she refused to let the kids see him and she was able to demonstrate to the court that she had them more overnights than he did. Not only did his lawyer (and hers) rewarded her for being a bully, but worse, they claimed that he was being irresponsible as a father and that his children needed to stand up to their mother and stop being sissies if they didn't like their situation. The system disregarded her accountability and left the victims feeling helpless and alone. The victim reported that this abuser stalked, harassed and emotionally abused those around her but they ignored his pleas.  

Children: Who Do They Think They Are?

Children are conditioned to do as they’re told, to not talk back, to respect their elders and to know that adults are always right. Consequently, children are forced to embrace external input and feel bad or good based on the whims of others. As we mature into adults, we often carry many of these generated inputs with us into our daily lives. These thoughts and feelings are our conditioned responses to that indoctrination and, whether they are negative or positive, kids act accordingly. Therefore, if you had an uncle who called you lazy, you may be lethargic or unmotivated when you are exposed to him at Thanksgiving. But then a neighbor who often praised your hard work tells you that you’re wonderful, you will shine in her presence. This reaction is typically referred to as object referral and occurs when a person’s self-esteem and self-worth shift, change, decline or elevate as a result of an external source entering the room. This makes the esteem and worth malleable and unsteady. With clients I will tap on a table and ask them to identify the object and they’ll state matter-of-factly that the object is a table. I ask them why and they say because that is what they understand the object to be. Then a debate proves that no matter who walks into the room a table is a table is a table. It’s value or representation doesn’t change.

Self-esteem and self-worth need to have the same reference points. We need to allow children to decide what the facts are about them. This means we have to provide them with an internal source that doesn’t require external input. Instead of stating that we are proud of them, we need to say, “You must be so proud of yourself for…” or “You should feel so good about yourself because…” The translation for them becomes, “I must be proud of myself and should feel good about who I am.” And although initially we are providing external suggestions, the intended message can be compared to passing the torch during the Olympics. We have to allow our children to shine on their own without us. This can only be accomplished by giving them the ability to know the truth about them. Therefore, we must teach children to back every thought and feeling up with facts so that when someone negative walks into their lives, the impact is minimal.

I recently spoke to an 86-year old woman who I have always revered as an angel. She lamented that she was a bad person and I asked her to back that thought up with a fact and she absolutely could not find one reason for that thought. It saddened me to see that throughout her entire life she had given to people and loved them yet she hated herself. And for what? Because perhaps sometime in her childhood or maybe later as an adult, someone told her she was inadequate, inferior or incompetent. When I shared how much I loved and admired her, she admitted that when I was around she felt good about herself. The sad part is that I can’t always be there so if her sense of regard is based on me then her feelings will change once someone else walked into the room—this is object referral. Her sense of self never gets to be solid like that table because she adopts the opinions of those around her instead of knowing her own self-truth.

A parent once shared that he was frustrated with a neighbor because the neighbor would scream the F-word at his 6-year old daughter when she was outside playing. I suggested that he tell her that hurt people hurt people and that the neighbor was a sad old man. Later, the father came to me and reported that he and his daughter were walking down the street and the elderly man raced out onto the porch and threw out the F-bomb again, but this time his daughter with the sweetest sincerity announced loudly, “Daddy, you’re right, he is a sad old man.” The grump stopped in his tracks and then retreated back into his home where he never bothered them again. The poignant element to this story is that this father gave his daughter the ability to let others own their own feelings and behaviors. She was no longer forced to embrace the external input and take responsibility for how others feel. She was able to recognize that his pain was not her issue or fault. This child, if guided properly, will not have to experience object referral as she is not dependent on the opinions of others to judge herself. This precious child is a precious child is a precious child.

There is no “why”

Ripped from the headlines: murders are rampantly occurring throughout the world but rarely do the articles identify these atrocities as domestic or family violence. Just this morning there were four murders that I found at a quick glance: one of a mother who shot her children and herself, one was an adult son who murdered his aging mother two years after he assaulted his aging father, one was a cold case involving two sisters, and one was an adolescent who killed his sibling while in fostercare placement.

People don't see domestic and family violence as a serious problem because these cases are not presented in the most obvious light for people to become outraged. Often there are warning signs that tell us there is impending danger; many of these senseless deaths could have been prevented. Unfortunately, the subject is extremely uncomfortable and the average person cannot wrap their brain around the deviant thinking of the murderers. The perpetrator's cognitive distortions and their potential lethalities are dismissed. I hear repeatedly in the news that authorities don't know the motive. Here's the simple truth, there is no reason, there is no why. There is no rational explanation that we can accept for why a mother kills her kids, an adult son kills an aging parent, a prominent and success man kills his beautiful wife and successful sister-in-law, or a teen kills a precious little child. We're spending too much time addressing the problem rather than finding the solutions.

There are normally precursors to violence; far too often these get overlooked, minimized or dismissed as irrelevant. In each of these cases, it doesn't take a far stretch of the imagination to see that these murderers were boiling under the surface like a pressurized geyser ready to blow. My experience has shown me that pent up rage, in conjunction with poor coping skills, festers over time. Eventually, the perpetrators give themselves permission to take what they think is theirs and do what they want. It's also about entitlement and lack of accountability. They equate relationships with ownership.

My take is that anyone can change when they recognize they need help, but our society has to acknowledge that these maladaptive behaviors need to be adjusted . I work with a full range of clients from incarcerated substance abusers to convicted child abusers. In almost every case, the clients have experienced some type of adverse childhood experiences (ACE) or traumas. If you have an interest in traumatized people, I suggest reading the ACE Study – you'll find the reports amazing.

Another erroneous conclusion that many have subscribed to is that power and control are the problems. In my humble opinion, power and control are the solutions. My rational? When people have power and control over their lives they don't need power and control over others. When profiling perpetrators we need to see that they have been emotionally stripped of competence and confidence and what they are doing is referred to as learned helplessness, essentially “I'm going to get you before you get me.” They feel scared, defeated, worthless and vulnerable. The end result is consistent: hurt people hurt people—period!

We welcome your comments or questions.