Raise with Praise

Praise cost nothing yet its value is priceless. Everyone feels good when they can embrace their potential. Criticism doesn't always feel great. I say take the problem out of problem/solving. Essentially we have about 2 minutes of attention span with our kids and spending 1.5 minutes telling them what they've done wrong only gives us a half a minute to legitimately solve the issues at hand. What I've learned over the years is that people in general strive harder with positives and every negative can be turned around. Our brains pick up language that compels us to act on the words. For example if I told you right now to not think about how much money you paid to the IRS, what would you be thinking?  Therefore, when you tell someone, "Don't run!" the brain hears "Run!!!!" That's why kids do exactly what we tell them not to do. Start telling them what we want. Shift some of the following:

Don't throw the sand...play with the sand (that's what we want, right?)
Don't hurt the cat...be gentle with the cat (that's what we desire)
Stop yelling...use a quiet voice (that's what we need)

Every don't can be turned into a do. It just takes some reframing with time and attention. This works with your partner and friends as well. Tell them what they are doing right and they'll strive for better.

Raise With Praise: Motivating children through re-recording positive messages

Language is a key element when attempting to change how kids meet our expectations. Consequently, how we say things determines how children respond. Always remember that children are apt to make a good thing better rather than to make a bad thing good. Steering them in a positive direction through language gives them a clearer vision of what they need to do. We so often become reactive to our  children and attempt correction after bad behavior has occurred. With a communication style called  re-recording we can stop behavior mishaps before they even starts. Let us show you how!

Children sometimes talk to you with sharp admonishments like Shut up! Leave me alone! I hate you! What they are trying to convey is that they feel powerless and need to fight for their rights to express their feelings and, as cornered dogs (parents), our  knee-jerk reaction is to bite. Evaluate the differences in the below communication styles and decide if they could work for you .

- "Becky, don’t use THAT tone of voice with me GO TO YOUR ROOM!"
- "Becky, normally you don’t use that tone of voice with me so if you need me to listen, I’ll stop what I’m doing so you can feel good that I hear you."

- "Jeff you’re such a mean big brother. Stop bullying your brother."
- "Jeff usually you try really hard to be a great big brother.  This is so not you.  Is there something we can do to help you turn this around and be the person we both know you are?"

By saying to children that they don’t normally or usually behave a certain way, you are suggesting to them that they are not being their charming beautiful selves and then by acknowledging and validating the children’s feelings, they can talk and behave in a more positive manner. Some adults may view this as molly coddling but when you think about your own  motivations for doing the right thing, you might  see that you too respond better when people give you the benefit of the doubt. We can either build  children or repair adults. The key to successful and effective communication and behavior modification is to ask three questions:

-  Does what you’re doing feel good to the child?
-  Does it feel good to you?
-  Is it working?

If even one out of three doesn’t work, you’re  not  effective.  You  might win through submission, but  your children are not internalizing right from wrong. In fact, they have externalized the lesson by blaming you for being mean—causing a cognitive shift that teaches them to deflect responsibility for their behavior and not to own it themselves.