Practicing Good Law or Playing the Devil’s Advocate? You decide!

A miscarriage of justice and humanity seems to have happened once again in the recent trial about Travis Alexander's murder. What has our country come to when defense attorneys are permitted to guilt and blame jury members by suggesting to them that deciding on the death penalty would make them responsible for a convicted murders' demise? Isn't Jodi responsible for the heinous slaughter of Travis Alexander? Isn't Jodi responsible for being convicted of first degree murder? Wouldn't Jodi be responsible if the jury decided on a death penalty verdict? Unfortunately, the American legal system has created loopholes and “protections” of rights that provide the opportunity for such a twisted placing of blame on the jury. If this were the exception and not the rule I would just say this case has bad form. But unfortunately, there is a pattern of behavior that shows numerous other instances where cold-blooded murderers are forgiven and – sometimes even set free – because their defense attorneys twisted the law, skewed the truth and used emotional extortion to win their cases. Our justice system appears to no longer be about fair trials, but rather who can use the law and bend the evidence to keep clients out of prison and, in the end, keep abusers on the street. Is it any wonder why men, women and children of family violence are killed, maimed, scarred and psychologically tortured in droves? Don't we blame victims by judging them and asking why they stay in these abusive relationships? One thing is clear: we collectively tolerate family violence and abuse. We don't have tough laws against abusers and we don't enforce those we already have on the books. When we finally decide we want to put an end to this barbaric practice, things will change. Not before.

Laws that were intended to ensure defendants were not unjustly accused show that loopholes now help set murderers free. Judicial dog and pony shows minimize domestic murder and crime making such rulings a joke. What is more disturbing is the aftermath and the decisions made now ensure that it will be even more difficult for victims to flee safely because no one believes them or even cares about them. The resounding message sent to terror victims is that even with a preponderance of evidence that proves premeditated murder, you cannot win against your abusers—even in death. You cannot fight back. You can only die or stay in the abusive relationship and silently suffer for the rest of your life.

Every behavior has a consequence. Do the defense attorneys' efforts to save their clients sacrifice and jeopardize others? What happens when clients are set free as a result of these types of legitimized and tolerated maneuvers? Have we gone too far to protect the rights of the accused? Or do we need these types of safety nets? Will murderers kill again if they are set free? Who do we hold accountable if they do kill again? If blaming the jury is invoked to save a convict's life, who is to blame when the same convict is eventually released and kills again? What do defendants learn when they are allowed to blame others for their actions? Is it right for jurys to be manipulated by defendants and attorneys dressing alike – diffusing guilt of the client through paired association? Should victims be the brunt of character assassination and false accusations when they cannot be proven and the victim can't defend their reputation? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I question whether the tactics used reflect a good legal defense or being an advocate for The Devil. In any case, I am sick—sick for all the victims in the future that will be impacted by what took place on May 23, 2013 and the preceding 141 days. May peace come to all victims and their families who have lost love ones to violence; I’m truly sorry for their losses.

Perpetrating Parents, Part I: They’ll Make You Crazy

There comes a point when victims leave their abusers because they have finally recognized the significant and damaging impact the emotional and physical violence has had on their children. Often when victims are asked why they stay with their abusers, they say because of the kids. But when asked why they left their abusers, ironically, they admit for the same reason—because of the kids. Abusers controlled their families during the relationship but after the victims have fled with their kids, the batterers must find ways to forces the victims to return. This is when abusers exploit, recruit or threaten some type of harm toward the kids. The abusers’ escalating deviant behaviors becomes so outrageous that the average person cannot imagine the hell these victims face. Victims try to report the atrocities but they are minimized, ignored and even told they are crazy. The persistent negative reinforcement by society creates confusion for the victims and they start to believe that they are the problem.

In this series I will share stories of outrageous violent behavior in hopes that knowledge of perpetrator behavior may assist families trying to escape the madness. The first case involves an abusive mother who wanted her ex-husband to pay for “abandoning” her. She started threatening her children and telling them that their father would stop loving them like he stopped loving her. She didn’t like that her children were close to their stepmother so she inflicted high levels of guilt on them saying she carried them in her womb for 9-months, that she was their mother and that the kids owed her. She accused them of caring more about having fun than being loyal. After months and months of emotionally beating her children up, they decided it would be best to live with her so maybe she would stop being so angry and vengeful. She recruited her children to lie and make excuses for not wanting to visit their dad. She threatened to expose them for saying bad things about their stepmother stating that their father would hate them. Their fear of being completely abandoned by their dad dissuaded them from engaging with him and his new wife. The children were forced to suffer in silence.

She wanted to punish her victim financially, so she refused to let the kids see him and she was able to demonstrate to the court that she had them more overnights than he did. Not only did his lawyer (and hers) rewarded her for being a bully, but worse, they claimed that he was being irresponsible as a father and that his children needed to stand up to their mother and stop being sissies if they didn't like their situation. The system disregarded her accountability and left the victims feeling helpless and alone. The victim reported that this abuser stalked, harassed and emotionally abused those around her but they ignored his pleas.  

Children: Who Do They Think They Are?

Children are conditioned to do as they’re told, to not talk back, to respect their elders and to know that adults are always right. Consequently, children are forced to embrace external input and feel bad or good based on the whims of others. As we mature into adults, we often carry many of these generated inputs with us into our daily lives. These thoughts and feelings are our conditioned responses to that indoctrination and, whether they are negative or positive, kids act accordingly. Therefore, if you had an uncle who called you lazy, you may be lethargic or unmotivated when you are exposed to him at Thanksgiving. But then a neighbor who often praised your hard work tells you that you’re wonderful, you will shine in her presence. This reaction is typically referred to as object referral and occurs when a person’s self-esteem and self-worth shift, change, decline or elevate as a result of an external source entering the room. This makes the esteem and worth malleable and unsteady. With clients I will tap on a table and ask them to identify the object and they’ll state matter-of-factly that the object is a table. I ask them why and they say because that is what they understand the object to be. Then a debate proves that no matter who walks into the room a table is a table is a table. It’s value or representation doesn’t change.

Self-esteem and self-worth need to have the same reference points. We need to allow children to decide what the facts are about them. This means we have to provide them with an internal source that doesn’t require external input. Instead of stating that we are proud of them, we need to say, “You must be so proud of yourself for…” or “You should feel so good about yourself because…” The translation for them becomes, “I must be proud of myself and should feel good about who I am.” And although initially we are providing external suggestions, the intended message can be compared to passing the torch during the Olympics. We have to allow our children to shine on their own without us. This can only be accomplished by giving them the ability to know the truth about them. Therefore, we must teach children to back every thought and feeling up with facts so that when someone negative walks into their lives, the impact is minimal.

I recently spoke to an 86-year old woman who I have always revered as an angel. She lamented that she was a bad person and I asked her to back that thought up with a fact and she absolutely could not find one reason for that thought. It saddened me to see that throughout her entire life she had given to people and loved them yet she hated herself. And for what? Because perhaps sometime in her childhood or maybe later as an adult, someone told her she was inadequate, inferior or incompetent. When I shared how much I loved and admired her, she admitted that when I was around she felt good about herself. The sad part is that I can’t always be there so if her sense of regard is based on me then her feelings will change once someone else walked into the room—this is object referral. Her sense of self never gets to be solid like that table because she adopts the opinions of those around her instead of knowing her own self-truth.

A parent once shared that he was frustrated with a neighbor because the neighbor would scream the F-word at his 6-year old daughter when she was outside playing. I suggested that he tell her that hurt people hurt people and that the neighbor was a sad old man. Later, the father came to me and reported that he and his daughter were walking down the street and the elderly man raced out onto the porch and threw out the F-bomb again, but this time his daughter with the sweetest sincerity announced loudly, “Daddy, you’re right, he is a sad old man.” The grump stopped in his tracks and then retreated back into his home where he never bothered them again. The poignant element to this story is that this father gave his daughter the ability to let others own their own feelings and behaviors. She was no longer forced to embrace the external input and take responsibility for how others feel. She was able to recognize that his pain was not her issue or fault. This child, if guided properly, will not have to experience object referral as she is not dependent on the opinions of others to judge herself. This precious child is a precious child is a precious child.

Jodi Arias Trial Part IV: Questions for the Expert

Continuation of Jodi Arias Trial Part III: Questions for the Expert

Jodi Arias Trial – Questions for the Expert

Isn't it true that isolation is the primary root to domestic terrorism that forces victims into murder? Victimization occurs through indoctrination, which requires isolation. In order to control a victim's mind, no other input can be available so that the perpetrators can promote their propaganda. In this case, it doesn’t appear that any lifelines had been severed. Ms Arias had complete freedom to come and go as she wished as was evident by her trips between California and Arizona. Without isolation, it is highly improbable for her to have become a victim of this type of terrorism. Nor is it possible that any gaslighting was going on here. In the final analysis, victims who murder do so because they are cornered and have no other way out.

Isn't it true that victims leave and go back to their perpetrator several times over the course of the relationship? Isn't it possible that a victim might call or go on vacation with their perpetrator during one of those times, even if the victim was fearful? Yes and yes! Victims leave an abusive relationship an average of seven times before they terminate completely. Many times victims go back because they are promised that things will change; at first perpetrators may demonstrate good behavior and infuse the rekindled relationship with positive experiences such as good sex and wonderful vacations in an effort to make the relationship better. The victims will then rationalize that this time it will be different. They think that maybe the couple just needs to get away from the stress in their lives. But the good feelings are temporary and the abuse resumes, often with a new heightened level of escalation. Sadly, during post-relationship treatment, victims often report that they cannot believe how stupid they were. As discussed earlier, victims take full responsibility for the abuse instead of blaming the perpetrators for their actions. Notably, Jodi Arias has never taken responsibility for her alleged abuse.

How would you describe expert witness bias? A therapist is never supposed to say that a client feels this way or that way. They are supposed to make assessments using verbiage such as, “The client appeared to be fearful as was evidenced by…” Nobody can determine what another person feels or thinks and a therapist is supposed to back everything up with concrete behavioral responses that might support that feeling. Because other people were not thoroughly questioned to challenge the reports of abuse, the DV expert's opinion is inappropriate. It is unethical for an expert witness who is assessing guilt or innocence to act as a defendants’ therapist. Giving books and magazines to assist accused so they can formulate a story to excuse murder is a gross miscarriage of justice. When someone fulfilling an expert witness role provides therapy to the clients it is referred to as a dual relationship and, in Colorado anyway, the expert/therapist would be grieved and sanctioned by the regulatory agency for misconduct. Giving how-to manuals to murder suspects is like giving a bomb making kit with instructions to a terrorist. Knowledge is power and in this case, textbook examples are being used to defame, discredit and dehumanize the murder victim. Finally, in my opinion, it is a moral and ethical obligation of any professional to adequately prepare for the job they are being paid to do. By not reviewing all available sources and questioning eyewitnesses to case issues, the expert appears to have turned a blind-eye toward the defendant and placed the finger of blame squarely on the murder victim.

Jodi Arias Trial Part III: Questions for the Expert

Prosecutor Juan Martinez challenged the domestic violence (DV) expert witness in the Jodi Arias trial this week and, in my opinion, was able to blow many holes into her theories. After listening to the cross examination, it seems to me there were a few more questions that could have been asked to finish off the discrediting Mr. Martinez had already started. I will address profiling components regarding some victim and perpetrator behaviors that were not mentioned in an effort to cast a reasonable doubt about who the real victim was in this case.

Can a person have a fight AND flight response during the same episode? The DV expert testified that immediately prior to the murder, Ms. Arias had a Fight or Flight response. Jodi Arias' testimony indicated that she initially ran, stopped to retrieve the gun, then shot Travis Alexander. According to her version, after the gun failed to stop Mr. Alexander, she again fled and retrieved a knife and stabbed him to death. This run, shoot, run, stab, slash sequence is impossible as determined by the fight or flight response. The Fight or Flight response occurs when a stressful event invokes fear and the reptilian brain forces us to make a split-second decision as to whether we are capable of fighting off an assailant—or we can’t. In this response, stress hormones then flood our extremities and permit us to fight to the death or run like hell. If a person’s reptilian brain determined that the best course of action were to run, then a Forrest Gump-style sprint would have ensued and the runner could have gained an amazing head start back to Yreka before the other person was able to put his britches on. However, the brain – particularly the reptilian brain – is not physically designed to tell us to run, then stop, do an about face to go back and fight. The decision is EITHER to Fight OR Flight, not to Flight AND Fight.

Are DV victims really silent about their abuse? This expert claimed at one point that victims try to change their perpetrators’ behavior. This is absolutely false. Victims are groomed from the very beginning to believe that they are the problem and the consequence for them is that are berated, put down, chastised, humiliated and beaten into submission. Victims desperately look for ways to change their own behavior because their perpetrators tell them that it’s the victims’ fault they were abused. The true dynamic is that abusers want victims to change—not the other way around. Victims only want to appease their perpetrators in order to stop the abuse. So victims often reach out for answers—to “fix” their own inadequacies and modify their behaviors so they can end the abuse. Victims are groomed to believe they caused the violence and, as a result, victims assume ownership of the abuse. Perpetrators are pessimists and their negative opinions keep their victims from placating them. The victims simply can't successfully stem the tide of abuse because the perpetrators are not looking for resolutions—they are looking for blame. No matter what victims do, perpetrators twist and distort reality, leaving victims defeated and helpless. This is commonly referred to as “Gaslighting” and it is a high-level form of manipulation because perpetrators can lie far better than their victims can tell the truth. Victims will discuss their abuse, but not by complaining about the perpetrator; rather by explaining and minimizing their partner's culpability or seeking a way fix themselves. Silence doesn't become the rule for victims until their support system starts telling them they are being mistreated and that it isn’t their fault. Victims then defend their perpetrators say things like others don’t understand what their partners have been through.

Would a victim try to protect a perpetrator's reputation, even after they commited murder? Here’s a glaring problem I see with the Jodi Arias as DV victim scenario: the murder victim’s body was seemingly posed in the shower naked with legs spread for the entire world to see. His reputation was then smeared by accusations of pedophilia and wanting his playmate to wear braids and dress up in Spiderman underwear. Every behavior – and I mean every behavior – is motivated by an intention. Real victims of domestic violence genuinely love their partners, even if the world doesn’t understand why. Before victims resort to lethality they have doubt, reservation, hesitation and remorse. Therefore, even in death, victims will protect their abusers. A real victim would have covered their perpetrator's body to protect his/her reputation. Given Travis Alexander's reputation in his community, exposing him as Ms Arias did was the ultimate humiliation...a classic treatment of a perpetrators towards their victims.

Moving from Survivor to Thriver

I was given the most amazing honor to publish this letter from a woman who has moved beyond violence and is learning to live again. She identified herself as a survivor, but after more careful examination I would elevate her to a “thriver” as her words show just how strong her constitution is and, in my humble opinion, she is on her way to greatness. To thrive means to grow vigorously and healthily and to be successful. This compelling letter touched me and is truly representative of those who no longer want to identify with being victims. At the end of her message I will add a commentary to assist others who desire to move beyond their past.

Survivor – one who lives through affliction?

Survivor – one who survives in spite of adversity

To survive is to – remain alive or in existence. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; and to persevere; to live and persist; to cope with trauma and remain alive in existence; to continue to function and withstand.

I, Andrea, am a survivor. I have the ability to withstand the abuse.

I withstood your abuse. I withstood your abuse even after fleeing from you physically.

I conquered (to gain mastery over or win by overcoming obstacles or opposition, to overcome by mental or moral power) my fear – YOU. I prevailed over your abuse.

I reached the top of the mountain and overcame the rough rocky journey. I prevailed through all the cuts, bruises, falling down, and sexual, physical and mental pain.

I prevailed over years of abuse and continued abuse through the courts, your words and actions.

I have strength (the quality or state of being strong – capacity for exertion or endurance).

I have a strong attribute – the ability to withstand. I have the capacity to endure much. I resisted attack – beat down after beat down – I resisted the death!! I resisted the death of my soul and spirit. I resisted the death of myself – only to live again but now with much more faith and love and beauty and strength.

I have great physical strength – I have great physical power to endure beat down after beat down – kick after kick, slap after slap, bruise after bruise, batter after batter – I am still standing – all physically in one piece I had the physical power to endure all that and more and not strike back.

I am tenacious – I have showed the power to resist and endure stress, pain and mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, sexual and physical abuse.

I have a strong determination of spirit to make a better life for my kids than living in fear and walking on egg shells, being controlled by guilt and fear. Being told I never did anything right; to have or feel any kind of love was conditional on whether I was doing things HIS way and HIS way only. I have the strong determination of spirit for my kids to be happy and healthy. To be loved unconditionally and to feel secure in whom they are and what they do. To feel secure enough to speak their mind and have their own feelings and not live each minute because of guilt or fear. I have the strong determination of spirit to stop the cycle of domestic violence and addiction. I have set a higher standard of self-worth for my children and to strive for and know the best.

I am resilient to all the attacks and beat downs you may aim at me and have aimed at me. I am a strong, resilient, intelligent, capable, loving, lovable, outgoing, fearless-of-you woman. I can and have endured many nightmares, many blows to my head, heart and spirit! But look at me – I am still standing strong and even stronger than before. My kids are beautiful, my life is beautiful and the joy radiates from their hearts because I, Andrea, AM A SURVIVOR. This is what I have given myself and my kids: the tenacity to endure when the mountain gets too steep and keep on climbing because after all the hard work, sweat, heartache and tears – I have overcome, I have reached to top of the mountain and the air is clean, the sun is shining ever so beautiful and I am FREE – I AM FREE. My heart is open and I can breath – I can feel and I can smile – I am FREE I am FREE. I have endured! I have with stood and I have overcome….I am a strong survivor.

Andrea, your words strongly resonated with me and I’m sure they will with others who have traveled on similar paths. The picture you paint demonstrates the journey you have taken. As I felt your words, I could visualize the peak of the mountain and could see you taking another trail down on the other side. Taking this new route makes it possible for you to recognize new unfamiliar beauty that has not been seen before. Each scenic view is exciting and fresh but most importantly the breathtaking views have no reminders of your past. Thrivers truly have moved forward when they stop letting abusers rent space in their heads. Thrivers really have left the relationship—not just physically but emotionally as well. They no longer replay the horrific snippets of their history but rather they chose to move forward and strong. Thrivers hit the delete button and only allow positive thoughts to consume them. They have stopped asking why they were abused because there is no why. Andrea, you have survived and I believe you are also thriving on many days. An old Chinese proverb suggests that a journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. You are well on your way. Thank you for your strength and inspiration!

Part II: “A child is apt to make a good thing better rather than making a bad thing good.” - Unknown

Following up on yesterday's post, another example of ineffective parenting that holds true for humiliating children is embarrassing or chastising them for being wrong or losing. Again, my hope is that this is not a malicious attempt to destroy kids’ self-worth, but rather a thoughtless behavior that has been deemed an acceptable form of correction that has not been challenged for it’s validity. We go with what we know and we are often overwhelmed. So whether it’s because we feel worn down, depleted or defeated, persistently pointing out our children’s mistakes conditions them to avoid self-improvement because of the emotional consequences of being wrong or of losing. Think about it…do you know any adults who refuse to apologize or admit when they are wrong? My guess is that they were forced through embarrassment as children to recognize their flaws and the emotional outcome for them was that they were bad.

Naturally, we want our children to say they are sorry because apologies go a long way to healing hurt hearts. What’s the answer then? Tackling the problem through a technique called re-recording often works well. This is where we tell kids what we want them to be and over time they will be conditioned to comply. Here is a wonderful way to reframe a situation using re-recording where an apology would be nice, “Oh, I bet you’re sorry you hurt your little sister. You’re such a great big brother. I’m sure it was an accident. Sweetie can you give your sister a kiss? It might make everyone feel better.” More times than not our children would want to do the right thing and when they do and we reinforce the positive behavior with a hug or kiss, our kids will repeat the behavior. I tell people all the time that I know they love their kids, but I challenge them to ask whether they like their kids. Meaning: do we talk and respond to them as though we like them or do we bark out, “Shut up! Get out of here right now! Get away from me!”

Children need guidance from us and the best way to get desired results is to help them like themselves. People in general behave the way they feel. If they feel good, they are good. A great tip for helping kids avoid the win-lose concept is to promote “the winner” and “a winner.”

Years ago, my grandson struggled with losing so after each race where he won I would cheer, “I’m a winner!”

Initially, he argued, “No, I’m the winner!”

To which I responded, “You might be the winner but I am a winner!”

After about ten of these moments I forgot the drill and when he won I lamented, “Oh, I lost again.”

Here was the amazing piece…He said, “Nonni, remember you’re always a winner.”